My Guide to Not Pissing Off Your Fellow Airport Travelers.

Let's face it, going to the airport kind of sucks. You have to get there so early, and it seems like when you actually get there early like you're supposed to, you get through everything quickly, but the day you're running late is the day the security line is actually two hours long. Everyone seems cranky, clueless, or in a hurry, and that can lead to an undercurrent of stress running through the air and rubbing off on the few people that aren't already all worked up. Let's not even talk about delays and canceled flights. Just thinking about that stresses me out. So, as someone who is easily stressed out and irritated in this environment, let me give you some tips on avoiding stressing yourself out and pissing other people off.

First, give yourself plenty of time. Nothing stresses me out more than having to rush around. In fact, on our last trip, when our taxi didn't show up, I managed to convince myself that our entire vacation was ruined. Ruined, and we hadn't even left the house. Luckily, I had allowed for extra time, and when I realized that, and we got where we needed to be on time, I knew I was being ridiculous. We even had time to have a leisurely breakfast at the classy McDonalds in our terminal. But, had I not budgeted in that extra time, at least the beginning of our vacation very well could have been ruined. Or at least changed. Trust me when I tell you that it is always better to have to entertain yourself in the awful airport terminal chairs for an hour than to be worrying about missing your flight and working yourself all into a tizzy before you leave. Plus? The airport is, hands down, the best place in the world to people watch.

If you haven't flown in awhile, educate yourself on current TSA regulations, including baggage size, weight, and number restrictions. Hell, even if you just flew last week, it's probably not a bad idea to take 5 minutes to refresh your memory. Because of doing this, we knew exactly how much we'd be paying for our bags (they were weighed and measured at home, post packing). In fact, some airlines even allow you to pre-pay online for a slightly discounted price. We were actually able to save a couple bucks and some time by doing this. We also pre-checked in online. When we got there, we were able to print our boarding passes on the self-registration kiosks, go straight to the baggage counter, and get through check-in in a matter of about 10 minutes. Please don't be the person that holds up the line because you brought 4 bags when you can only have 3. Also? Consider the baggage claim when picking your luggage, and when packing. Luggage tags are great, but they don't help you on that awful conveyor belt. Tie ribbon on your bag, mark it with brightly colored duct tape, wrap it in plastic wrap, whatever. You might feel silly walking through the airport dragging a classic black suitcase with yards of brightly colored duct tape all over it, but you sure will be grateful when there are 17,000 classic black suitcases going around and around and around and you just want to get the heck out. Worth it.

Now, let's talk about those TSA regulations for your person and your carry-on. Many airports now separate their security lines out by how experienced a traveler you are. If you get in the "Expert or Business Traveler" line, and you have liquids in your bag, a pocketknife in your pocket, and you don't have your shoes off when you get up there, you're going to piss people off. Don't overestimate yourself. When in doubt, get in the line of lesser experience. If you've got kids with you, get in the line of lesser experience, unless your kids are seasoned travelers that know the drill too. I personally like to be 100% ready for the agents and machines when I get up there, and I always appreciate when the people in front of me are too. Shoes off, laptop out, pockets emptied. Listen to the TSA agents, and for the love of all things holy, please be polite to them. They're doing their job, not being an asshole getting their kicks by patting you down and going through your stuff. Remember that all of this is for the safety of you, the airline staff, and everyone else on the plane and in the airport. If they ask you to do something ridiculous, chances are there is a reason for it, it is based on policy, and the people you should be complaining to are not the ones standing in front of you, asking you to please remove your shoes and lift your pant legs. They're not kidding when they say you can't have more than 3 oz of liquid in a clear container. They will take things away from you. Even unopened bottled water. And bonus for them? If they see those things on the x-ray, they get a free pass to search through all your crap. I personally have the attitude that you should know what's required of you before you fly, and if you take issue with what may be required of you (whether that issue is purchasing bottled water after the checkpoint, being patted down, being body scanned, having someone go through your stuff, whatever), the appropriate course of action is probably for you to find a different method of travel. The regulations are so easy to find online that you have no one to blame but yourself if you look like an idiot, piss fellow travelers off, or are caught by surprise by a pat down. As one of those fellow travelers, I have no sympathy for you, and I'm probably rolling my eyes and whispering about you to my husband.

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Now, because there are always exceptions, I do want to say that I realize there are circumstances that are out of the ordinary, and there are some TSA agents (just like there are some people everywhere, doing any job) that aren't going to be pleasant and polite and easy going. Roll with it as best you can. The nicer and more cooperative you are, the faster and easier you're going to get through it and get on with your trip. You can always complain later. In fact, it's probably better to complain later, when you're calmer and can better form a coherent sentence (without expletives) to explain your concern. Unless you truly feel your rights are being violated, of course, in which case I would personally speak up--but know that it could very well delay you enough to miss your flight, or worse.

Ok, so we're through check-in, we're through security. Find your flight on the wall o' computers. Yay, it's on time! You've got some time to kill. Find your gate, check it out. If there are screaming children climbing around on the chairs like a jungle gym, get the hell out. Find somewhere for breakfast (lunch. dinner. coffee. alcohol. whatev). Explore the shops. If the airport sucks and there is nothing to do, wander the terminal. You're going to be sitting for awhile on the plane, so stretch your legs while you can. Now, if you're the parent of those screaming brats climbing around on the chairs like a jungle gym, I'm judging you. So are at least a couple more of your fellow travelers. It's clear that your children are exhausting to you, so if your precious little spawn is making you crazy, imagine what they're doing to people that have no inherent loving feeling for them. Next time? Benedryl. Dramamine. Tranquilizers. (but, you know, always consult your doctor first.)

Guard your carry-on with your life. Not just because of potentially shady people wandering around, but because your cute little rolly black carry-on that matches your rolly black suitcase looks like everyone else's cute little rolly black carry-on that matches their rolly black suitcase.

Speaking of carry-ons, what should you pack in them? I always try to pack my carry-on as though the airline will lose my luggage. The purpose is two-fold. One, it helps me not tempt Fate. Fate knows when you didn't put any clean underwear in your carry-on. And Fate will snatch the suitcase with all your clean underwear right out of the hands of the person loading it into the plane. When you put some clean underwear in your carry-on, it's not nearly as much fun for Fate to steal your luggage. Less importantly, but more logically, in the event that my luggage is lost, while it doesn't help me find my luggage, or be less angry about losing my luggage, at least I have a change of clothes and the things I need immediately to get me through a day or two without having to waste vacation time frantically finding some place to buy stuff. So, in the carry-on goes: a change of clothes (at least underwear, socks, and a shirt), any important medications (be sure to check TSA regs on those and always have prescription meds in the original container with the original, readable label), including OTC things like allergy meds or pain relievers, my toothbrush (sure, hotels will give you free toothbrushes and stuff if you forgot yours, but those suckers are awful), any other toiletries I might die (or be really uncomfortable) without in the next 24 hours or so (but no more than 3 oz of liquids, in clear containers, inside a ziplock bag), a pair of flip flops, and then of course the requisite pre-flight and in-flight entertainment. Oh, and snacks. Check TSA on those, but there are definitely things you can bring through security, and the ones you can't you can buy somewhere (like bottled water). Something about flying makes me awfully hungry, and those stupid little hard wafer cookies don't cut it. And when I get hungry, I get cranky. So keeping me well fed is a must while traveling.

On the plane, in brief bullet point form:
-Keep your music down. You have headphones on. Other people shouldn't be able to hear the lyrics clearly.
-Share the armrests like a civilized human. 4 arms, 3 armrests. Something's got to give. Don't be a jerk about it.
-When lowering your seat back, please do it as slowly and gently as possible. No one likes their drink spilled and their book flying at their face because the person in front of them was attempting to break the sound barrier by reclining their seat as quickly and suddenly as possible.
-When you open the overhead compartments, they tell you to do it slowly for a reason. Do it slowly. The people below you will appreciate it when 17 carry ons do not fall on their heads.
-If your carry on doesn't fit in the overhead, standing there and shoving it over and over and then trying to close the door and pretend it's closed doesn't work. Take it out, put it by your feet.
-There is no prize for being the first person standing in the aisle after the taxi when the pilot turns off the seat belt sign. Relax a little.
-Also? If you're going to stand in the aisle with a backpack or bag on your person, try to avoid turning this way and that. I don't appreciate getting knocked in the head with your laptop case. To help you avoid this, I will tell you what is behind you: airplane interior, seats, and other people getting their carry ons and standing in the aisles. See? Nothing exciting. Now face front or sit down. Thanks.
-Stopping abruptly directly in front of the door into the airport terminal is a poor choice unless you're a ghost and I can walk through you. I will likely run right into you, and chances are I'm not going to be sorry, because you shouldn't have stopped there. Just in like traffic, continue forward until you can safely pull out of the path of travel.

You've reached your destination, congratulations! One last tip, and that's about baggage claim. Everyone is trying to get their luggage and get out of there as fast as possible. Don't crowd the conveyor belt. If you keep a good 5-6 feet away from it, you should still have a clear view, while giving the people around you ample room to get up there and pull their bags off. However, if everyone is crowding, all bets are off, and throwing elbows when you see your bag is perfectly acceptable in my world.

In all seriousness, I can sum up these tips very succinctly: give yourself plenty of time, know the regulations, and be considerate to the people around you. Do you have any good airport tips?